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The Growing Gumball Menace

A public alert about this threat to our welfare

Anyone in the DC area probably knows all about this infernal problem--if not, count yourself lucky, but be forewarned--THEY ARE COMING to a neighborhood near you. And, unlike leaves, which only plague us for a few weeks in the fall, gumballs are there 365 days a year (366 in leap years).

Gumballs have an insidious design--covered with needle-sharp points that are very painful to a dog or barefoot human. They can get stuck between a dog's toe pads, and--because they are round and slippery--can cause a person to fall; I speak from personal experience.

In addition to the needle points they also have a little tail with a hook on the end, so they get tangled in the grass and are hard to remove. And they have an uncanny ability to bury themselves in the earth--but only halfway, so one needle-covered hemisphere is still above ground, waiting for the unwary passerby. This, of course, makes removal even more difficult--blowers don't work on the embedded ones.

Pondering this further, I began to wonder if such an evil thing could be entirely nature's fault. As a retired CIA analyst, I am sensitive to threats to national security, and there is some evidence of an intelligent force behind the gumball menace:

  • They don't seem to fall randomly, but rather at the times that are most inconvenient. Planning an outdoor party? Expect a gumball deluge.
  • The number of gumballs on the ground is always far greater  than the number still on the trees--a lot of them seem to come from some mystery source.
  • And just how do the little buggers manage to half-bury themselves? They don't have arms or hands or anything else to dig with; it's very suspicious.

But who or what could be orchestrating this plague on our welfare? In the old days, we would have suspected the Soviet Union, but it's gone and Russia is a fading power. China is a more likely suspect--it already has surpassed the US in terms of total economic output (GDP) and clearly is intent on expanding its global power. But could it really orchestrate a gumball apocalypse?

After further thought and research I have ruled out human or supernatural causes and have concluded that malevolent space aliens are behind the gumball onslaught. Just look at the growing number of UFO sightings and the recent surge of meteors and near-misses by asteroids. This was further confirmed when I spotted the threatening gumball message shown in the accompanying photo. I hope Patch will investigate so that this threat hopefully can be nipped in the (gumball) bud.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Rather Be Anonymous February 28, 2013 at 02:33 PM
Oh dear. Space aliens. Gumball apocalypse This is unsettling. And who pray tell is behind the yearly massive similar infestation around Volta park. Hedge apples so insidious, must be delivered by MIRVS. I think I need to stock pile some canned goods. Good day.
Craig March 12, 2013 at 12:52 AM
We always enjoyed throwing them at each other as kids
Dick Kennedy March 12, 2013 at 11:51 AM
I'm glad that someone has a positive use for the little round monsters, which seem to have been mounting a counter-attack since I wrote that article exposing them. Just remember Thomas Jefferson's words: "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty."
George Clark March 12, 2013 at 04:43 PM
funny they dont taste or chew like gumballs, since when are they called that? as for asteroids that was a warning shot by a high power then us., the cosmos alone maybe, but are we alone? tune in next time to find out,. dat dat daaaaaaa. if their was a high power or life form, wouldn't they want to punish or diminish our stupidity, arrogance and general destruction of earth's many lovely and rare features? I'd bet they would,
George Clark March 12, 2013 at 04:46 PM
oh ps does anybody know if the asteroid would have been bigger, is there still auto launch settings on nuclear rockets in case of unexpected or detected in coming nukes? say russia's israels or our systems/ you washington boys oughtta know you probably came up with the stupid idea

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