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Health & Fitness

Living with an Adult Child

When it comes to having an adult child live in your house, it is beneficial to both parties to be clear on the terms of the arrangement.

Dear Lauren -

I have two grown children in their 20's.  Both are college graduates.  One is living on her own.  The other is living at home.  She is almost 26.  She sleeps until noon and works afternoons and evenings in the grocery store.  I want her to get a real job, one that makes me feel like the $50k we spent for college was worth it.  I want her to grow up, move out, and take responsibility for her life.  At the same time, I am worried that if I tell her that she will just move in with her boyfriend and not make any real changes in her life.  I am angry, but I am confused and worried, too.

Responsible Parent of Irresponsible Kid

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Dear Responsible Parent of Irresponsible Kid -

It sounds like you are well-acquainted with a couple of parenting truths.  The first is that children turn out differently, even if they have the same parents and grow up in the same home.  The second is that your behavior and that of your child (even an adult child) are two parts of a dynamic behavioral cycle.

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When it comes to having an adult child live in your house, it is beneficial to both parties to be clear on what the arrangement will look like.  This arrangement can serve as a time of support while your child achieves a goal as well as a time for transition, readying your child for moving out on his/her own.   

The arrangement may seem like an ultimatum, but is essentially about asserting how you want to be treated by others in your own home.  You are not telling your daughter what to do or what not to do; only about what your expectations if she chooses to live at home.  She can opt in or opt out.  Communicating as well as being aware of what you can and cannot control are important – and can be difficult -- parts of the process.  It may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist through the process.

It is fair and reasonable to have expectations of another adult (your child) living in the house.  Not only is it important for you to be treated respectfully and equitably.  It is important for your young adult to take on the responsibilities of being an adult.  The longer the child is sheltered from adult responsibilities, the longer it may take for them to be able to successfully meet the demands of adulthood.  Having expectations and facilitating successful experiences around responsibility can help build your daughter’s confidence about her ability to succeed in the outside world; this is especially important as the years pass without significant progress.  Give some thought to your feelings and expectations regarding household chores, including cleaning, cooking, sibling care, pet care, and yard work.

It is also fair and reasonable to expect financial contributions to the household.  Think about your expectations in the areas of rent, utilities, cable, internet, car insurance, phone, and gasoline.  Again, remember that when you have expectations of your daughter, you are giving her a vote a confidence.  By expecting her to pay for rent or car insurance, you are telling her you believe she is capable of handling that responsibility.

When an adult child is living at home, it is reasonable that he/she is using that support as a means of getting ahead or accomplishing an otherwise difficult-to-attain goal, like owning a home, completing graduate school, or participating in counseling if a mood or other disorder is impeding progress.  Not having to work for intrinsic/extrinsic rewards can leave one feeling aimless and without motivation.

Again, opting for the support of a therapist in communicating and understanding your boundaries (expectations) can prove helpful in this process.

Best Regards,

Lauren 

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