Missing My Mother on Mother's Day

Lauren Trecosta is a Licensed Professional Counselor with more than 15 years experience counseling individuals and couples. She specializes in helping clients overcome anxiety and depression as well as work through relationship issues. Many of Lauren’s clients are military personnel and their families, as well as individuals struggling with issues around infidelity, co-dependence, separation, and divorce. You can read more of her writing at http://laurentrecosta.wordpress.com/.

Dear Lauren,

I lost my mother on Mother's Day last year.  It was painful, and the year has been tough.  A couple of months ago, I finally started feeling normal again.  My mom and I were very close.  We spoke almost every day and sometimes more than that.  She was my biggest cheerleader and support.  Now Mother's Day is coming.  It will be my first one without her.  I thought I would be fine, but I have felt myself getting depressed again.  I miss my mother.  I am afraid of Mother's Day and afraid of falling into another depression.

Suffering on Mother's Day

Dear Suffering on Mother's Day -

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  The loss of your mother or someone your deeply love is profound, and the grief is deep and lasting.

I am glad that you have started to feel 'normal' again.  Anniversaries of death or significant days, like Mother's Day, are likely to trigger an emotional reaction.  If you expect them -- and plan for them --without resistance, it will be likely be easier for you to get through it.

What does that mean?  In general, when we know that we will be going through a tough time, we can plan how to best handle the situation.  In your case, you can expect to experience grief at feeling acutely the loss of your mother.  It is reasonable and normal.  It is important for you to make plans to accommodate the grief within the schedule of your daily life. 

It sounds like you are worried about drowning in your grief especially after coming through a difficult year.  It sounds like this grief is going to happen -- is already happening -- whether you plan for it or not.  Indeed, in order to keep from drowning in it, it is important to accept that you need to allow yourself time to grieve.  Resisting the need to grieve will make it all the more frightening and grief that much more control in your life.

It is important to strive for a balance between being present to your grief and being present to the needs of your everyday life.  An example of a balanced approach to being present to grief and everyday life to set aside a specific block of quiet time to write a meaningful Mother's Day card and making an effort to engage in the present with people around you afterward.  It might include making a quiet trip to the cemetery to spend time talking/sharing/or writing to your mother for your personal grief and then going to brunch the next morning with your family.

If you have children, you will want to make a special effort to engage in some quiet and alone grieving times prior to Mother's Day.  These will be you -- your own times of celebrating and grieving your mother -- so that you can be more emotionally present for your children when they want to celebrate you.

In addition to planning times for grieving, I encourage you to reach out for support with friends, family, or your place of worship.  If grieving seems to evolve into depression (it interferes with your daily life and/or you experience more than a couple weeks of feeling listless, hopeless, and without energy or motivation), I recommend that you seek the support of a therapist to help you through this difficult period.

Best Regards,

Lauren