Co-Parenting After Divorce

In this article, I want to write about some best-case scenarios. Another day I will write about more difficult situations.

Basics: Both parents respect the other’s ability to take care of the children and recognize how important it is for the children to continue to have both parents very much involved in their lives. However much they dislike each other, they avoid saying critical things about the other parent when the children might overhear it or hear about it later. They do not want to make the children choose sides or feel torn apart by the divorce.

Ideally, the two parents live so near each other that one can easily cover for the other if something comes up that interferes with the usual parenting schedule. For some families, the usual schedule may be one week with mom, the next week with dad, and so on. Each parent has responsibility for providing nutritious meals, supervising homework, sports, music, other activities, TV, internet access, showers, bedtime, etc. For other families, the usual schedule may be every other weekend with the non-custodial parent plus one weeknight dinner or overnight visit each week, and about half of holiday and school vacation times. How old the children are, how far apart the parents’ homes are, what everyone’s work and school schedules look like, and other factors affect these decisions.

Some divorced parents try hard to keep to the same rules and schedules (especially bedtime) in both households. Others are comfortable saying that Mom makes the rules about what happens in her house and Dad makes the rules about what happens in his house. If both are good enough parents (not amazing, wonderful parents; just ordinary, good enough parents) then either way can be fine. What is important is that the parents agree to use the same rules or agree to respect each other’s autonomy. You do not want your kids to play you off against each other.

Regardless of what they tell you, most children do best when their parents provide structure and consistency. For the parent with limited time with the kids to play Santa Claus is rarely a good idea. Kids need authoritative parents, not people who are trying to buy their love. Note that I said “authoritative,” as in competent and confident, not “authoritarian,” as in rigid and bossy.

In the best-case scenario, the parents discuss all these matters and come to agreements about them before they separate. This makes it possible to tell the children together, in a way that is appropriate for the age of each child, about the upcoming separation, the enduring reality of each parent’s love for the child, and the nature of the changes that will soon be happening in the child’s life. Disruption of the child’s life is kept to a minimum. Some parents manage this amicably with little or no professional assistance. Others need help  from mediators and/or attorneys -- preferably attorneys who want to help you reach reasonable settlements, not attorneys who want to help you become impoverished enemies. 

For some couples, the initial separation bears little resemblance to a best case scenario, but a year or two later both parties can negotiate constructively about what co-parenting arrangements will be best for their children. When you hit some bumps in the road, remember that co-parenting can be quite challenging even in an intact marriage. 

Many studies have shown that, after divorce, the children who have parents who are not battling with each other and who are both very much involved in the children’s lives are the most likely to be resilient, happy children. Aim for that scenario.

Note: The author is a Certified Family Mediator