Should a Couple Stay Together for the Sake of the Kids?

As a psychologist and a family mediator, I can say with some confidence that what is best for one set of kids will not match what is best for another set of kids.

If there are minor children, divorce ordinarily does long-lasting emotional and financial damage to all members of the family. Most kids would prefer for their parents to stay married. My kids were angry at me for years because my ex and I could not find a way to tolerate staying together.

My kids were angry at me for years because my ex and I could not find a way to tolerate staying together. Their lives would have been much worse if we had stayed together, but they could not see that, because, after we divorced, we were able to stop fighting and able to cooperate as parents.

We later married better partners, so the kids were able to see what functional marriages look like. 

If parents can work hard and learn how to interact with love, respect and good communication, that will be best for the children. If parents can stay together without too much tension and hostility in their relationship, that may be better for the kids than a divorce would be. Only when the marriage is really damaging to one or both parents should they divorce when the children are minors.

Having two calm households may be better for the kids than living in one that is full of tension, hostility and/or abuse. Obviously divorce will not solve everything. If the parents keep fighting, divorced or together, it’s going to be bad for the kids.

If you must divorce, let the kids have as good a relationship as they can with your ex, and make good use of community resources to help yourself and your kids heal.

If you do need to divorce, how you do it can make a big difference for your kids. Try mediation in preference to an adversarial approach. You may save thousands of dollars and spare everybody a lot of pain and anxiety.